...Er, um, Hello!

My name is Augustus. I have parents. Sometimes life can be difficult. I possess the great skill of being able to charm the socks off of anyone who chances to spot me, a rare occurrence indeed. [The spotting, that is; not the charming!]
However, for you, Dear Reader, I am prepared to divulge my deepest thoughts and perspective of the world, mostly because if I don't tell somebody what is going on around here, I am going to pop!
But be warned, proceed with caution: Living with Mummy and Dad can be rather harrowing at times...

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My Tail’s Tale

My friends will hardly believe it but this day my tail was viciously attacked by a whacking great brute of a kitten named Morgan, or Baby Morgan as Mummy calls him. You know, like Baby-face Nelson and countless others of that squad of vile cretins bent on savagery.
We were in the chair by the window, my tail and I, happily watching the world go by. Or, at least, watching the breeze blow idly through the ivy leaves, cleverly turning them upside down here and there, seemingly bent on a thorough inspection before passing on to whatever activities it had planned down the road….
Where was I?
Oh, yes. It matters not what we were doing but rather what the scoundrel Morgan was up to: viz. making a mad dash from across the room (completely unprovoked, mind you), sliding under the chair like he had hit a homer, then flashing up all teeth and claws to grab my poor, innocent, fluffy (did I mention beautiful?) tail.
At first we pretended not to notice, as we gentle-cats-and-tails do. Not wishing to make a scene, my tail merely flicked at the beast in annoyance, hoping he would go haunt someone else. But after 3 or 4 sessions of grabbing, clawing and, ultimately, biting, I was compelled to intervene on behalf of my down trodden tail.
Being pretty big, not to mention being seen from an ant’s eye view, has its advantages. The next time the Miniature Marauder made his appearance in a final effort to nab my tail and presumably make off with it (he has a tail of his own, confound him; why doesn’t he go and chew on it?), he came face to face with Gussie Grey, the Bold Avenger! I lit into him like a windmill in a tornado and sent his fuzzy self scurrying to Mummy, who said I was right to defend my tail. Somebody had to, she said.
All is peaceful now as I settle back into my evening routine of staring out the window, tail tucked neatly beside me, all ready for a nap. What Morgan was thinking when he began his fell deed I cannot say but he has learned a valuable lesson this day:
Don’t mess with a cat’s tail! 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Take-Charge Checklist

On consideration of my newfound role as Man Of The House, not to mention its innumerable responsibilities, I have decided to follow Dad’s example of making a list so I won’t forget anything. (It didn’t always work for Dad but that is another matter…). To this end, I have compiled a few notes regarding everyday tasks with which I must concern myself, endeavoring to remember all the while that I can only do so much:
-Wake Mummy at 5:00 a.m. using patented Whisker Alarm
-Watch Tippy head to the litter box [note – remember to plug nose. Where is that clothespin?]
-Observe Mummy making breakfast in case she does it wrong, reminding her incessantly that I need a drink from the bathroom faucet, too.
-Eat breakfast [should this be first, do you think? Work on this]
-Sit with Nutmeg on the bathroom sink, overseeing Mummy cleaning litter boxes in next room
-Demand a drink from the sink [again]
-Drink from the sink with Nutmeg
-Check to be sure mouse is in Pool, er, water bowl [red one today, pink tomorrow, I think]
-Sit in chair by window and make a show of straining to see through the as yet closed blinds which Mummy is late opening [again]
-Look mournfully back at Mummy as she passes by
-Stare out of newly opened blinds at the ivy bed, in case a critter shows up [or a burglar – you never know!]
-Take a nap in chair by window
-Eat mid-morning snack after dropping bouncy ball into crunchy bowl [bowl #5 today looks good, try #7 tomorrow]
-Inspect Mummy’s work at her desk, rearrange as necessary for the best layout [I need lots of space for my afternoon nap!]
-          Lunchtime!
-Take nap in chair by window [didn’t I already do this? Oh yes, I do it again post-lunch – forget my own name next!]
-Wake up, blink, remember where I am, jump to floor and do stretches [We must not neglect exercise!]
-Continue nap in bed with everyone else
-Afternoon snack with Princess, first making sure bouncy ball has not been removed by the Mumster or other fell creature
-Locate Mummy and look really cute, pat her face and stare into her eyes until she melts (or tells me to find someone else to haunt ‘cause she’s working)
-Wander through house, inspecting each room for monsters, misbehaving cats and/or burglars (or food, as the case may be)
-Run from Tippy *ERASE, ERASE, ERASE* [remove this from list before posting in diary]
-Lay on stairs with head hanging over and dream of Dad coming home
-Wake up in time to observe Mummy from my aerie as she prepares dinner [Tuna tonight – yay!]
-Dig into the foodstuffs, avoiding sitting next to Mosby who smacks his food really loudly [Must speak to Mummy about this. Hmmph!]
-Evening tea with Mummy [remind her that it is my turn to sit in her lap tonight – set as “recurring”]
-Snooze while Mummy reads and writes
-Wake up to find myself in the fluffy comforter

BLAST! I forgot to add bath time…and scolding Tippy for yet another attempt at running away from home (NOTE: give her a very sharp look next time)…and removing contents of kitchen cabinets (what a mess – Mummy really needs to clean in there!)…and…um…

Whoosh! I don’t know how Dad accomplished everything he did - I am tired just writing about it!
I will work on my list later; for now, I am declaring an official break.
Men of the Houses only, of course.
Everyone else, back to work!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

It’s After Me!

I was walking along the kitchen counter just now, minding my own business as we Men-Of-The-Houses do, when a gargantuan piece of Super Sticky packing tape attached itself to my leg! I immediately ran from it but the insane thing simply won’t let go - it is hanging on with all claws, determined to become one with my fur.

I ran around the corner and dashed up the stairs thinking this would surely throw it off my trail but when I looked back, it was still there, clicking and swishing over the treads like a fish on a string. I can feel its grip tightening around my ankle! Somewhere along the way we picked up a piece of paper which clacks on the floor with every bump. My eyes are round with horror.

To make things worse, Mummy is now following me, too. As if I haven’t enough to concern myself with, apparently she wants in the action as well so is hot on my heels, grabbing and snatching at my leg for some strange reason. The frenzied noise [and presumably action-packed scene] of me being followed by tape being followed by paper being followed by Mummy has naturally attracted the attention of the other cats who, like Mummy, feel the need to join the game. They are now all in the chase; I am like a wild man, ears laid back and paws scooping the air in front of me in my desperate run to outmaneuver these crazies.

Where to go??

I know – I will hide inside a cabinet in Dad’s study!


 I can hear them coming…oooh, when will it end?
Woe is me!
I hate tape.