...Er, um, Hello!

My name is Augustus. I have parents. Sometimes life can be difficult. I possess the great skill of being able to charm the socks off of anyone who chances to spot me, a rare occurrence indeed. [The spotting, that is; not the charming!]
However, for you, Dear Reader, I am prepared to divulge my deepest thoughts and perspective of the world, mostly because if I don't tell somebody what is going on around here, I am going to pop!
But be warned, proceed with caution: Living with Mummy and Dad can be rather harrowing at times...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Great Never-Escape!

A Reminiscence

A few months ago, before our Dear Dad went to heaven, there was an incident recorded in the annals of cat history. Only it never made it into my diary because a certain Mummy failed to do her job. 
Never fear, dear friends, I have dredged up the past and posted it here for your perusal, in the hopes that we may all learn a valuable lesson.
[Or at least get a good laugh!]

So here it is:

Morgan and I were partners in crime this day, and it was delicious fun.
The weather was lovely, what with clear skies and sunshine and a light, fluffy breeze – oh, and there was a bird chirping. So Mummy opened the windows…
In our bedroom (the one we let Mummy and Dad share with us), there are windows.
On the outside of what we will call Window #1 is a screen.
Did you know (we didn’t…er, that is until we did) that when you push your nose up against this screen in collusion with a junior fellow (in this case Baby Morgan), the screen of the second part will fall out of said Window (#1)?

And did you further know that there is a whacking great chasm below Window #1, at the bottom of which lies a rose bush with all over prickles?

Well, there is.

Thankfully, before one gets to the chasm part there is a nice brick ledge, and it is onto this we ventured to step. Looking ‘round for unseen Mummy’s, we delighted in our new-found freedom – smelling the Great Outdoors, the fragrances on the breeze, the roses…

Being the grand adventurers we gray fellows are well-reputed to be, we dared to get nearly half our bodies onto that ledge (I know – many would not dare go half so far), creeping slowly so as not to slip and land on a thorn.  About the time we were settling into our big feat of escape, who would spy us staring down into the chasm from outside, of all directions, but Mummy! That’s right - so far from a rear attack, she outmaneuvered us and came up on our flank. 
Well, Morgan’s actually, because I was on the other side of him.

Still, the salient point is that just as we were mere seconds from pulling off the prison break of the century, Mummy pointed at us and demanded our immediate withdrawal into the house. I duly made a U-turn back to the dreary confines of home life while Morgan, being young and inexperienced, hesitated, uncertain if Mummy meant him, too. Based on her reaction to his apparent belligerence, Morgan realized that she did, indeed, mean him, too.

What she did not know, what she was vapidly uninformed about, was that there was in fact another escapee in our party – one Poppet, hereby known as The Spotted Bloke.

After our capture and arrest, Morgan and I went about the business of settling in for a long Spring’s nap, dreaming of ledge-walking and other feats of derring-do. Dad would not be home from his weekly business trip for several hours, and Mummy was busy at her desk.

All was quiet.

Finally Dad arrived, well after dark, and the household sprang to life - everyone excited to check out the new smells Dad always brings back with him. All except Mummy, who doesn’t seem to be interested in smells.

After pawing at Dad and getting my daily drink (which, once again, I went without for several days), we all collected on the sofa to listen to Mummy and Dad talk. Oh, the joy of hearing your parents’ voices, the soothing calm of knowing all is right with the world.
Until, of course, Dad asked the burning question, “Where is Poppet?”

Mummy gave a blank stare. Morgan and I gave each other a knowing look then pretended to wash our faces. Humdy, humdy, hum…

It occurred to Mummy at that moment what had transpired in the Great Window Escapade: 
Augustus and Morgan were mere decoys, allowing The Spotted Bloke to make his getaway undetected. 
No wonder we were looking downward into the chasm when she spied us, she declared.
Immediately our parents were outside with flashlights, hollering his name everywhere:


[Side note: perhaps, on reflection, it would have been wiser to name him Fluffy or something – who could have known THAT name would have to shouted into the echoing darkness one April evening? How embarrassing!]

They returned, discussing a Spotted Bloke sighting – he had darted from the shrubbery (his apparent new lair) for fear of his life on seeing dark figures with headlights coming at him and calling his name. 
Now he was impossible to catch, disappearing in and out of the hedges as they pursued him. After several jaunts out of various doors, Mummy and Dad determined to call it quits for the night since The Spotted Bloke was an apparent nitwit that hadn’t a clue you go TOWARD your rescuers instead of away from them.
So off to bed we all went, I a bit gloatish that the center of the bed would now be Poppet-less and therefore free pickings! I stretched out luxuriously, settling into the down comforter with a sigh. This was going to be a lovely night.

Just about the time we dozed off came a *SPLAT* against the very window – you guessed it - from which we made our earlier escape! Mummy glanced over in time to see Poppet sliding down the pane, his face squashed against the glass, onto the brick ledge beneath. She jumped to the window and opened it as Poppet dangled from the ledge with his front claws, groping to get an extra leg or two back up there. He lost the struggle and fell to the ground, barely missing that prickly rose bush. Mummy called to him but he was certain it was all her fault so ran like mad around the deck to get away from that Crazy Person in the Window (his remarks, not mine).

Back outside went the flashlights, trailing a sleepy Dad and Mummy in their wake, but no sign of The Spotted Bloke was to be seen anywhere. Dad made an executive decision to let The Spotted Bloke stay out if he wished. After all, he is a grown cat, 4 years old, and can make his own decisions, said he.
Such excitement made it hard to get back to sleep but after many minutes, I was able to doze, if fitfully (worry that I might have to give up my extra legroom in the bed should The Spotted Bloke return made it impossible to sleep deeply). 
Eventually the house became a quiet symphony of snoring cats.


Beyond a doubt The Spotted Bloke had made his return, this time attempting a more civil route – the back door. It was nearly 4:30 a.m.; Mummy dragged her sleepy self into the kitchen, opened the door and called him in. After a few dizzying bobs of his head, as if to confirm that there was not an invisible pane of glass there as well, The Spotted Bloke dashed over the threshold and scurried into the opposite end of the house, looking neither to the right nor the left but steadfast in his determination to get as far away as possible from any openings into the Wild World beyond.

The Spotted Bloke finally worked his way into the bedroom and settled into bed with us, me half-grudgingly giving back my short-lived extra space (I was, after all, glad he wasn’t eaten by some Creature of the Night – that would not have been pleasant, I am sure). About 5 minutes later it was time to get up and start another day.

Taken all in all, we had quite an adventure but I think from now on we will stick to hanging over the stair ledges instead of the window ledge.  And for some reason, The Spotted Bloke has been avoiding bedroom Window #1. I invited him to sit with me there to watch the blue jay in the pear tree this morning but he turned and ran.

Strange fellow.

Yet we do have a fun memory of the time we almost escaped! Won’t it be something to tell the old grandkids one day?
Except, of course, I haven’t any grandkids.
Still, great fun though!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Breaking and Entrying

What’s this? New entries? Half a second….Someone has been in my diary!
I can’t believe it!! I must tell Mummy….


Yes, Augustus, dear?

Someone with very bad grammar has been writing in my diary!

Oh, my! I wonder who it was, Precious?

Lemme see…hey, wait a minute! It was Mosby and Morgan, the little Squirts! They have been mucking about and writing all over everything! Do something!

What shall I do about it, Gussie, darling?

Lemme think.…I know! Shoot them with the Vinegar Water Gun!  That would teach them…

Now, Augustus – is it really as bad as all that? Perhaps they just wanted to meet your friends. After all, your friends are so very nice, and you did tell Mosby and Morgan all about them. What do your friends have to say about the extra entries?

Welll…they…er..um, well, they agree with me – Mosby and Morgan need to be sent to bed without any dinner!

Did they really say that? I can’t imagine any of your friends saying such a harsh thing. Let me read what the little darlings wrote….Hmmm…oh…Ha, ha, ha – isn’t that cute, Augustus? They are such clever little fellows, and just look how they brag about you!

*blink, blink* Well…I s’pose it is kinda cute…”meetloaf”, hee, hee, hee! Hmm...I guess it’s okay. But Mummy…

Yes, Sweets?

Are they going to get a diary of their own?

I don’t know about that – they are still a bit young. Why do you ask?

Because their writing is atroshus! 

That’s “ATROCIOUS”, dear one.

Oh…um, er…that is what I said….isn’t it? 

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Demise Of A Gift

Yesterday was Mummy’s birthday, and, in celebration, some very thoughtful soul brought her an intriguing-looking red bag with neat little raffia handles and brightly colored tissue paper sticking out at the top.

Did I ever mention I love tissue paper?

It is akin to the tidy rolls of stuff in the bathroom [from which I am permanently banned], only it is bigger and easier to tote through the house.
It shreds nicely, too.
About this red bag…

On Mummy’s return home, she placed the RB in plain view (translate: A cat could not miss it) on the kitchen counter then set about doing her afternoon chores. Naturally, we assumed there was more to this bag than meets the eye; however, we preferred not to meet Mummy’s eye so openly avoided the bag and its mystery contents, rightly considering it something to be dealt with at a later, more discreet time.

The time came!

Mummy completed her chores, fed us all a nice luncheon of tuna pate with salmon-filled crunchies on the side. Deeelish! *SMACK* Then she settled in at her desk and began writing. I was bored, and so was Mosby, Morgan, Princess, Tippy, Nobbie, and Poppet (Aspen had better things to do, and Nutmeg is permanently bored so finds no excitement in intrigue). We had, after all, been snoozing all morning and were ready for adventure. And a brightly colored bag-and-tissue-and-mystery contents arrangement does not come along every day. Soooo…

I led the pack, deftly alighting on the marble tiles, followed by the rest of the posse. Sidling up to that seemingly docile package, I took a nibble at the tissue to see if would give any trouble but it appeared as innocuous as the bag, and what is more, it slid out of said bag with buttery ease. I yanked the first layer of striped paper out and tossed it over the counter’s edge, creating an aerial show for my spectators who were now moving in to view the interior of the parcel.
Stand back, I warned the audience.
I am going in!

So in I dove, nose first, right through the tightly twisted handle on the near side. A quick glance revealed nothing more than a small box with a pretty picture of some shiny object or other on it, not at all interesting to me.
Nothing in here, I shouted, and up my head came, fully intending to move along to the next venture of the day.

Only my head was on the other side of that blighted handle!
In an instant, I was all legs, scrambling to be free of my newfound prison. I might have known - Mummy had set another trap! This was no gift but merely a ploy to catch innocent kittens that were performing their rightful duty as Inspectors General, ridding the home of any [potentially] unwanted gift items.

This, however, did not alter the fact that I was currently imbroglioed with the Dratted Bag. I did not know what to do or which way to turn, so I tried every direction imaginable, finally making a mad dash off the counter and across the kitchen floor. Then I simply ran, bumping and crashing into everything – I was running blindly, seeing only red, finally alighting beneath the bed. I remained huddled there, gasping and wheezing, listening for the inevitable “What the blazes was all that?”
Mummy could but follow the trail from the origin of sound. She tracked torn bits of tissue paper, a card, the OTHER handle (naturally not the one I was entangled with), the small box that, on reflection of the sound it made when tumbling out of the bag must, indeed, contain something of a breakable nature, and finally, the red sack with me, Augustus The Humble, all wrapped up inside.
She laughed (surprise!). Hmmph.

The she dragged me and my sack out from beneath the bed, unwrapped me and set me free. I started to run but thought better of it. After all, she did rescue me, and it IS her birthday. So I gave her a kiss on the nose. She forgave me for getting into her birthday gift, saying that she had me and that was enough.

Whew! That was a close one.

I have decided, moving forward, to limit my inspection of all packages mysterious to those of a handle-less nature. Experience does bring wisdom!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

heE, hEe, hee…

WaT’s this do?

lEt mE shOw You…pUsh tHeEz butTons hEre…

okay mOsby i caN dO it. I’m bIg! MumMy sEd so.

uncle GusSie sEz therE are pEeple whO can rEad whAt we tYpe.



NeEt! wHo are tHey?

I dOn’t kNow…mAybeE they will sEnd Us a message. He sEzs they Are hiS frIends so wE cAn be tHeir friEnds tOo…sAy hello, MorGan...

helLo evryBody! hEe, hee…mY nAme is MoRgan and MosBy is mY brOther…thIs is fUn! wEe had mEetloaf fOr dInner and shortbread coOkies wiTh tEa. *yawn* I’m sleepy…

OkAy…We bedDer gO noW ‘cAuse uNcle GuSsie is cOming ‘rOund tHe coRner….gOodnigHt to eVeryOne!

signed MosBy anD MorGan


Wednesday, August 1, 2012


I’m noT shur hOw this wUrks…let’s sEe…

hellO, I’m Mosby! Uncle GuSsie doEs not knOw tHaT I’m in hiS diary. 
I’m liTtle bUt I’m gOing tO be BiG one day…EvEryOne ‘rouNd heRe is biG…Uncle Gussie is HOOJ!  AuNtie PrinceSs is veRy Big and sCary…she sWats me a lot…Auntie TipPy is fun tO plaY with…we cHase each Other anD she letS me cAtch her…MorGan iS mY bRoTher…he Is liTtle but Vet (crEepy gUy wIth gRay fUr on hiS hEad) sez Morgan will geT BiG toO! DaD sed I hAve biG feet…MuMmy cAllS me miStEr LOng LegS…heE, hEe…I like MUmMy and tRy to kEep her whEre I cAn see hEr…she moOvs aroUnd a Lot!
I beDdEr go bEefore UnCle GuSsie caTches mE! 
If aNyOne is thEre theN I am glAd to mEet yOu!