Decimation of a Houseplant

There was a plant. No one was around. I was in fine fettle, feeling a bit roguish and kittenly (is that a word?). The plant stood a few feet tall in a wicker basket, straight stalks and leaves reaching ever upward to the ceiling (it had a long way to go, too, ‘cause that ceiling is 22 feet up there!). As previously mentioned, I was full of vim and stuff so could not resist scuttering about the plant, nipping at a leaf here, scratching at the basket there. Then - I am certain - the plant let fall a derogatory comment about my appearance.

I stopped and stared. I gave it a narrow-eyed look. This was the moment I had been waiting for - squatting on my haunches, I made the great leap and landed *SPLAT* in the middle of The Plant, looking neither to the left nor to the right but ever onward in my quest to avenge evil. I sat, I dug, I pawed, bit and scratched. Turning this way and that, I gave every leaf in view a cuff ‘round the ears and made it wilt! Finally, seeing that the plant had backed down and would no longer be in the mood to call names, I hopped down and biffed off to another room for a rest. I had no need to look back - what’s done is done; let the past bury the dead, say I. Besides, Mummy was out so would have no evidence I was even there. All was right with the world… 

Lessons in Sharing

Tonight Mummy made broiled flounder and scrumptious crab cakes for dinner. When it was time, we all gathered ‘round the table in our usual seats, me right beneath Dad (he tends to offer more generous portions than Mummy), the others scattered at intervals between the colonnade of table-, chair- and people legs. All seven of us sitting patiently, waiting… AND waiting…

It seems Mummy and Dad were so absorbed in their silly conversation and pure indulgence in the aromatic foodstuffs that they completely forgot that the rest of us were even in the room! Do you think we got even a morsel of flounder, a snippet of flaky, tender crab cake? NO. That is, not until I took steps to correct the situation. Sometimes parents just need to be reminded, I guess.

When it became apparent that the usual ‘ahem’ing and leg-pawing weren’t working, I thought something more drastic was called for. After all, my tummy was in no mood to be trifled with. Leaving my preferred place and slithering through the crowd of fluffy tails and tickly whiskers, I found myself beneath the chair just opposite Mummy, beneath the EMPTY chair…As it was unoccupied I took up residence, transitioning easily into my famous ‘stealth mode’. No response (not to my presence, anyway. Mummy laughed a good bit at some goofy thing Dad said). Good! 


 I poked my nose above the level of the table to scope things out, rather like a periscope. Well, not really – my nose doesn’t bend. It does wrinkle up sometimes, though, which Mummy says is cute…where was I? Oh, yes – “poking my nose above the level of the table”...got it! I could hear the delicious sounds of forks scritching across plates, of broccolis being champed – this was too much! My head popped up, and I found myself at eye level with that big platter overflowing with juicy fish and steamed rice - oh what aroma, what nuances of butter and stuff! Still no reproach, Dad butchering yet another joke, Mummy saying how delicious the flounder was with just the right hint of seasonings…ummm…I sniffed and sniffed until next thing I know I follow my nose and am seated right beside the platter, looking down at that lovely, steaming pile….

I have no explanation for what I did next. It was there, I was there…well, the long and short of it is, I grabbed a filet and made off with it! I have never committed a crime so blatant as that, and it felt marvelous! I was free as the wind, racing toward the table’s edge, thinking gloating thoughts of how impressed Aspen and Nutmeg, et al, would be when Whoof! My advance was checked by a pair of hands grasping my vast waistline (I knew it wasn’t Mummy - she can’t get her hands around me).  Dad ordered me to “Drop it!”, and Mummy was laughing so hard she started crying. Boohoo – I’m the one that got busted! What in the world did she have to cry about? Then she said those awful words, making me cringe to my soles of my fuzzy footpads: “You knew you were going to get some. Why didn’t you wait like a good boy?” How humiliating, and right in front of everyone, too. I hung my head in shame.

The good news is that I wasn’t put in chokey (Mummy and Dad are really pretty easy), and Mummy made us each a nice plate of that incredible cuisine so I didn’t miss out on a thing. You should have heard all the smacking going on – what a meal! 
Oh, and the lesson I learned? Be patient, or move reeeeally fast!

Augustus In A Jamb

I am so embarrassed. This morning I was trying to get into the Forbidden Pantry when I got stuck – YES, STUCK! – between the doors. I usually have no trouble getting inside – I just pull and pull with my claws until a door swings outward (I won’t go into the lecture I recently got about the scratch marks at the base of the doors, both inside AND out); then I slip in, undetected.

Howver, I must have been a bit more sluggish than usual this time ‘cause the door slammed on me before I got my tummy through, and it knocked me sideways into the other door. Here, I was pinned at the hip so that I could not move forward or backward. I could only stare ahead at all those goodies that were now completely out of my reach. What’s worse, Mummy was outside watering her blighted trees and was of no help to me;  slowly everyone else began gathering around to watch the spectacle of Augustus pinned between two doors. And I am certain I heard someone snickering – probably Aspen!

I must have been there for hours when Mummy came in a few minutes later. And do you think she came to my rescue? Well, yes, eventually, but not before she had a hysterical laughing fit at my plight, watching me wiggle and squirm, my chubby legs scrabbling at the floor to no avail.  To add to my misery, she felt like using this as an object lesson for everyone: “See what happens to kitties that poke their noses where they don't belong?” She released me from my entanglement, and I scuttered off to sulk in some dank corner. I am going to have to speak to the management about those doors. And that Woman!

Obsession

Mummy and Dad are blowing my inheritance on these crazy-looking sticky roller things, all because they are apparently obsessed with cat fur. 

They go around the place collecting samples from everything – the sofa, the pillows, their clothes (I know - pretty bad, huh?), peeling off layer after and placing them in the Collection Bin. 

Eventually they run out of layers and have to bring in extra rollers – Mummy now has one in every room! 

I am beginning to wonder if they are planning something big with their stockpile ‘cause I overheard a remark from Mummy – who shall remain nameless – to the effect that they should own stock in Lint Rollers, wherever that is. 

Such intrigue….

Red Dawt

The night was dark, the air heavy with humidity and cat fur; quiet had crept upon the land.…

Out of nowhere it came, gliding as if on wheels, racing, spinning, darting across open spaces and shooting up the walls. This was no natural enemy, this was a foreign invader - the kind that would catch you unprepared then zap you where you stood: silent but deadly.  It whizzed past my head - *Zoop*- that was close! I crouched low, ready for it to try any funny business. Watching, waiting, lashing my fluffy tail this way and that, I caught sight of it as it jumped onto the coverlet and bounced over Nutmeg. She whirled her head in an arc to catch a glimpse of this fell creature but it was gone.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw it move again, this time on the mantel. It teetered on the edge before diving to the floor and scooting under the bed. Or did it? Suddenly to my right it appeared, spinning like a top then dashed off through the doorway. Ha! I had it now; if there is one thing I have learned about this enemy, it is that the blighted thing must come back to its mother ship. I slipped unnoticed to the door and crouched again, peering around the corner, this time positive it could not escape me. Sure enough, it came racing back so fast I almost couldn’t keep up but I pounced and slapped both paws on it, confident in my victory then **WHOA** wait, it shot up through my paws and was sitting on top! I grabbed again, it popped back up on top. I grabbed, it popped - what’s going on? I looked around...Um, I could use some help here… anyone?

Scooting along the floor now, I raced to keep hold of this slippery devil but it was too fast for me. Nobbie joined in, hot on my heels, now overtaking me in the quest to obliterate the little red creature. Nutmeg was sitting up on the bed now, eager to get involved. I shouted to her that it was heading to the other side. She ran to the edge and peered over just as I came ‘round by the foot but saw nothing – strange indeed! By now, everyone was running amok seeking this disturber of peaceful evenings. I saw Aspen situating herself in a convenient corner near the chest of drawers and naturally supposed she would be offering back up for when the foul thing passed her way but it turns out she thought the gig was to swat at passing cats instead. Fat lot of help she was! [Note to Self: Self, remember to put coal in Aspen’s Christmas stocking!]

After seeing this mysterious creature vanish and reappear and pouncing upon it with equal vigor only to see it disappear again, we became exhausted and finally had to call it quits. Strangely enough, the little beast did not show itself again that night. It must be a true warrior, understanding the value of giving its opponents a break. Until next time, Fair Enemy!

Daytime Horrors

Walking casually along without a care, I came to an abrupt halt as I spied the tiny creature across the room. 

He was peeking out from under the console, menacing to behold - all fangs and claws and wispy tail. 

Though very still, I knew that he was lurking, waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting soul. Uncertain if he was aware of my presence, I decided to double back to avoid the unpleasantness that must assuredly ensue should he spot me, too.

 Returning from whence I came, I began to hear footsteps behind me: pat, pat, pat…I was being followed! Picking up the pace, I focused on getting to the sofa where I was confident this little beast could not go. 

Louder came the steps…pit-pat, pit-pat, pit-pat… faster I ran, my legs trembling with the weakness of fear. I looked toward the goal but it seemed to grow more distant rather than close. I wasn’t going to make it! 

 Trembling uncontrollably, my ears twitching as every nerve was strained, I glanced over my shoulder while running still faster; he was right behind me! I could see him more clearly and could feel his breath: he was pink with white spots and reeked of catnip. 

Just as I arrived at the sofa and scrambled to make it to the top, he grabbed my leg and began shaking me…”Gussie! Gussie! Are you alright? Wake up Augustus!” 

Blinking my eyes, I looked up to see Mummy standing over me sprawled on the sofa. Breathing a sigh of relief, I looked quickly ‘round to be sure He was gone. 

Thank God Mummy was there to save me! 

Still, I wonder where that blighted mouse got to…

Illicit Q-Tips

I got a Q-tip today, and Mummy doesn’t even know! 

Mummy brought home a wonderful nice new package of the beloved whatsits. 

Sitting on the bathroom counter, I observed carefully as she busied herself opening the box. 

I watched with admiration the manner in which she grabbed a whacking great wad of the fuzzy-ended sticks and stuffed them neatly into the jar. 

I also noticed that from the Great Wad dangled a couple of the delightful doodads, then made note that one of them fell softly to the counter top. 

I looked at Mummy. 

She was preoccupied, in her absurdly obsessive way, with trying to make the Q-tips stand on end so they would look neat (like anyone is going to check out our Q-tip jar - really). 

I sidled forward, checking once more for a flicker of movement from the eyes in the side of her head. 

Nothing my direction! 

I snagged that stick and ran! 

My move was so fast Mummy didn’t even know anything happened. And now I have this Q-tip to tool around with between my teeth. 

I think I will go into the living room and see if Dad notices anything different about me….