Augustus, Water Lush

I yelled at Dad last night and feel awful about it!

He had been gone for days, and naturally my forgetful Mummy failed to provide my daily sink drinks so I was famished for water. I mean to say, there is The Pool water but it is not the same. 

I must supplement with fresh faucet water or I will wilt!

So I followed Dad everywhere when he got home, sure that he would take the hint about my immediate needs but instead he took his time hugging Mummy, putting away his jacket and shoes, then had the audacity to eat dinner right in front of me! It seems just once he would put the needs of others above himself but no – just because it had been a few measly hours since he had his breakfast, he thought he deserved to eat dinner!

I overlooked that, thinking I would have to wait until shower time – he would surely remember by then. Following him again, I hopped onto the bathroom counter and pawed at his shirt. He undressed, started the shower then proceeded to step in without even offering to turn on the faucet. Then he got in the shower and splashed about in the water, rubbing salt into the old wound, as it were.

This was too much! 

After mustering all the patience in me to no avail, I had had enough of Dad’s lackadaisical attitude toward giving cats drinks. As soon as he stepped in in all his drenched condition, I let out a wail at such a crescendo as to make Pavarotti proud!

My frustration must have been extremely pent up because Mummy says I went on about it forever. 

At the time, it seemed necessary. Dad did after all, to his credit, dish up the old faucet drink, AND he rubbed my noggin.

But now I feel as though I behaved badly, and Dad had to leave this morning on another trip! I am sad and hope he will forgive my impatience. When he gets back, I am going to be sweet and quiet and wait politely for my drink. I will also give him a big fuzzy hug and kiss!

Of course, Mummy could learn to give me a drink in his stead then Dad would not have to be remanded for his laxness. 

I merely mention it…

Midnight Activities

The sky absolutely growled at me last night!

There I was in the window, insatiably curious as to why the angels were out with their flashlights, when, completely unprovoked, the sky snarled! I was terrified and ran straight back to bed with Mummy and Dad. Huddled between them, I peeked out occasionally to see what was cooking but the sky would grumble again, and I would sink further down into the covers.

Eventually I was so exhausted that I fell into a reverie and dozed off.

What time it went to sleep I cannot say but when I woke up, it was time for breakfast, and there was no noise to be heard from the slumbering sky.

Hopefully it won’t do that again ‘cause I don’t like to be growled at. It hurts my feelings!

Owww!

I got a sticker in my paw! 

Stickers are bad news! Aspen goes outside then comes back in with them all over her pretty white fur, only she is a bad girl and won't sit still for Mummy to pick them out. She runs through the house, depositing them at random on the sofa, the bed, under the bed, on the stairs….

The law of averages states that at some point I am bound to step on one, and that point (pardon the pun) came this morning. It was horrific – I was ambling toward the sofa with visions of muffin tops dancing in my head when *STAB* - there was a sharp pain in my right front paw; I yelped then began running around in circles. Mummy said “What on earth are you dancing for?” [Really, Mummy! You mean to say you can’t tell the signs of excruciating pain when they stand, er, spin, glaringly before you?? You ought to be in some sort of home!] The point is (there I go again!), I was in pain, and she was totally oblivious. 

She picked me up thinking I was just wanting attention (not an altogether incorrect assumption but very misguided), then she spotted the offending prickle. Finally! Only I didn't like what happened next: she took me to the ‘surgery room’ – Dad’s bathroom doubles as an outpatient surgery center as needed, drawers stuffed to the gills with gauze, tape, smelly ointments, pills, and [gulp] TWEEZERS. She reached for those then sloooowly closed the door….

I am feeling much better now but this little incident has taken it out of me. 

Mummy had to give me some tuna to make me feel better then she put me on the bed so I could rest. I settled back in the fluffy comforter and hoped I would not dream of the flash of metal, the pinch and momentary sting, the tiny drop of blood left from the…Zzzzzzz. 

Monster On The Loose!

Apparently TheMonster sneaked out of the house this morning – 

I positively saw Dad chasing it around the yard! 

Though I am thinking it could be a different monster (oh, dear!) ‘cause it looked a bit wider and more flat. 

It’s roar was quite deafening as Dad stalked it beneath the window. 

Dad pulled, it lurched forward but Dad never let go – yay, Dad!

The noise finally faded so I ran to another window and sure enough, it was lugging Dad along the other side of the house. I looked at Mummy but she was oblivious. I guess she does not want to face the reality that there may be TWO monsters around our house. What if the other one gets in? 

Where will we go? 

Mummy can barely handle one, and I most certainly cannot manage it, being so little

(me, that is, not The Monster).

After what seemed an eternity, the roaring ceased, and Dad entered the back door looking quite disheveled. Monster II gave him a hard time but Dad said he “got it done.”

Whoosh! I guess he showed that monster what was what. 

We are safe for now. 

I am just going to keep my head down for a bit when near the window, in case it comes back to life. 

I wouldn’t want it to spot me and get funny ideas about chewing on a cat!

For me? You Shouldn't Have!

Mummy brought flowers in from the garden this morning.

 She trimmed them and arranged them neatly in a vase which she then placed on a small table. 

I love to smell flowers and was so grateful that she had thought of me - I just couldn't resist jumping up there to give those flowers a whiff. I shoved my nose deep into the middle of them and sniffed and sniffed. 

Then I let out a huge sneeze and returned to breathe in the fragrance some more. I think I might have fallen asleep there (the fragrance was so heavenly!) except Mummy came in and surprised me. 

I backed out of the bouquet and gave my head a shake, petals falling everywhere. I tried to cover them with my big feet 'cause I had a feeling Mummy wouldn't like seeing the flora dismantled like that, 

though it may have been too late. 

Surely my surmise was correct as I was removed from the table and unceremoniously dumped on the floor.

What I would like to know is, what the devil are those flowers there for if you can't enjoy them?

And what does she think people are going to do - sit and stare at them? Geez.

Carpet Magic

The strangest thing happened today!

I first noticed the string in the carpet on my morning trek upstairs to Dad’s study. I had every intention of busying myself with opening cabinet doors and what-not when my attention was arrested by the sudden appearance of this, if I may say, delightful-looking strand.  

There it was, looped in a haphazard sort of way - a bizarre, zigzag thread that, once tugged upon, seemed to have no end. I admit to being rather curious to see just where it did end and, entangling my claws with the loop, managed to produce a whopping great length of it when the strange event I earlier alluded to unfolded. Or rather, magically appeared – where the loose thread had once been was now a whacking great hole! And the more I tugged at the string, the greater that blighted hole got.

Suspicious that my morning-bleary eyes were deceiving me, I pawed at the yawning cavern only to find that it was indeed real. To make matters worse, Mummy loomed into view at that moment, causing me to jump out of my skin at her sudden [mysterious as well] appearance.

(How does she always seem to know when things aren’t quite right in my corner of the world?)

 I attempted to point out the magical hole and describe its inexplicable emergence but she was prepared with a ready solution to the mystery – I did it [according to Mummy].

I was shocked and deeply wounded at the accusation.

I s’pose on reflection the circumstance looked bad for me but I mean to say, give a fellow a chance! Honest, one moment there was this thread, the next a gargantuan black hole into which any of us might fall at a given moment. But she would have none of it and ultimately complained that the carpet would now have to be repaired thanks to my imbecilities.

I could have told her that!

About the carpet needing repair, I mean…

Window Wonders

Today something extraordinary happened (not as amazing as Dad's recent cattitude but almost) –

 the windows got cleaned!

There I was, sleeping in my favorite spot in Mummy's office while she worked, when suddenly screens went flying and there were faces in the windows, everywhere I looked - mad people flinging watery spongy things at the glass. I ran as fast as I could to get to my hiding place under the bathtub, shouting along the way for my fellow kitizens to make a break for it or die. No one listened except Nobbie; “Nice knowing you”, I said to the others as I sailed past. So Nobbie and I dove behind the window seat and slid under the tub together. Then we waited...

Sure enough, next thing we know there were these people all over INSIDE the house, whacking at the windows and sloshing water buckets and stuff - we were terrified 'cause we thought they were going to kill Mummy or steal our fish or something.

But our Mummy is too clever for them - she managed eventually to get them out of the house AND she got them to clean up the mess they made with the windows.

So we got a window cleaning out of the ordeal. AND they didn't steal the fish, either - very nice!

I’m Bald!!!

Mummy cut all the fur off my back, down to the baby fluff underneath. 

It is not really her fault, I s’pose – I started getting mats on my back a week or so ago, and brushing just wasn’t cutting it (pardon the pun!). So today Mummy said I had to get a haircut - she snipped and snipped until each mat came off, which took a VERY long time. 

Though I couldn’t let Mummy know it, I was really enjoying all the attention and actually relieved because the mats had been pinching and tugging so that it was beginning to hurt. When I realized how much better I was feeling after the first few mats started coming off, I began tugging at some of the others to help Mummy. 

She laughed at me (see what I mean? Every time!) because gigantic fuzz balls kept getting stuck in my teeth. 

[SIDE NOTE: This is why I have to have regular baths;

 it is just too much work for me to bathe myself. Whoosh!] 

 Anyway, I did my best but finally got tired and lay quietly while Mummy worked. 

She removed the last mat and brushed my back to get rid of the fuzz. Then she was sad! 

Mummy thinks I have beautiful fur (naturally!) so she was devastated that this had to be done. I wanted to reassure her that it would grow back (you know – just like my whiskers) but I couldn’t bear to let on that it was okay ‘cause I was getting lots of hug and kisses and stuff. 

I think I had best behave a bit sad for a while or she may suspect that I am enjoying my new ‘do and not feel so bad about it. Oh, and I have a new nickname - Dad started calling me “Buzz”! 

But Mummy doesn’t like it.

Instructing Mummy

Mummy walked right past me this morning 

while I was sitting on the bathroom counter looking particularly cute . 

That's not the worst of it - she tried to get in the shower without scratching my ears! 

That's okay, she is forgetful sometimes. 

However, not wanting to let the standards drop, I grabbed her hand and pulled it toward me then dipped my head down so she would get the idea (trying to be subtle, of course; I don't like to make a scene). 

It worked! 

She got the idea straight away and scratched my ears. 

But then she got above herself and kissed me. 

Uggh. 

You get one thing corrected, and another goes right out the window. 

Well, I will try again tomorrow. Maybe she'll get it right next time...

Mummy, Klutzomaniac

Mummy is so clumsy!

She never watches where she is going, and it seems one cannot even walk across the kitchen floor without getting tripped over around here.

Everywhere I step, Mummy wants to step there, too. I try to anticipate her moves in order to avoid getting crushed beneath her heels but invariably as I meander this way and that, it is exactly the place she wants to be.

Just today she trod on my toe, causing me to shriek in sheer agony. My tail barely missed the kiss of death! But I forgave Mummy because she is famously a klutz - everyone knows that.

Still, there it is. I s’pose I must overlook these frustrations. It would be nice to walk through a room without having to look over one’s shoulder but what can you do with a clumsy Mummy?

I simply chuckle and go on. 

Betrayed!

I looked out the kitchen window today (Tippy wasn't around, thank goodness!), and guess what I saw?? 

Mummy was on the deck playing with some little fuzzy creatures that made silly mewing noises [they were very clumsy, too, not graceful like me]! Mummy had said she was just going out to check on something but it turned out she was playing with these Things. 

You should have seen the way she was loving on them and cuddling them and stuff.  I got jealous and put on my most pathetic face in hope she would notice and come back to me.  

She eventually looked my way so I squinted and pouted. I think it worked because she came back in; I told her how I felt about all this betrayal (a guy has to stand up for himself, you know). She said she loved me so much more than those things and that she was only making sure they were healthy. She said she was going to send them to someone else's home to live. 

But I said she didn't need to make such a great show of checking their vitals. Mummy called me an old silly and kissed me on my head - uggh! I don't trust those 'things'; I've heard tales about ocurrences like this. Parents play tough but the little creatures make cute faces and are all fuzzy and sweet, then parents fall for them and let them stick around; and somehow they turn into cats!

We have cats already.

That's all we need - more cats in the house!

Then they will take over Mummy's and Daddy's lives and they won't love me anymore. That's it; I have to do something to put a stop to this nonsense before it is too late. 

But what?

I'm still thinking...

Sleepy Li'l Me

Mummy took a new photo of me sleeping! 

She says she loves the curls in my tummy fur, and of course, she says I look adorable in this picture. I am sure she must be right 'cause Mummy wouldn't say things that aren't true.

Except about using Dad's razor - she is wrong about that.

Spring Treat

Mummy is making pound cake today! 

We are going to have strawberries and cream!! 

I am so excited!!! I love strawberries and cream.

 At least, I don't actually like strawberries but I LOVE whipped cream. Except it gets all in my whiskers, and it takes forever to clean it up. But it tastes so good.

Still, since I recently shaved off half my whiskers again, maybe I won't get so much cream in them, and then I can use this as ammo in defense of shaving my whiskers ("See, Mummy, how clean my whiskers are?"), 

which I tried to do again yesterday but Dad told me no. 

And Mummy hid the razor. 

But I know where it is!

The Drearies

Today is very cloudy, overcast and looking like rain.

 I am a bit bored - there are no green lizards hanging about the rose bush, and that blighted noisy bird wasn't in the pear tree this morning. So I started to sing (a song I made up myself!). 

I have a light, pleasant trilling voice, often using it when Dad is in the shower (sometimes we harmonize) but Mummy, who normally adores my singing, asked me if I didn't know the tune. 

She said it sounded silly! 

Well, I just started singing even louder. Then she kissed me on my head, in the shower room where Dad could see, so I was forced to quit singing. 

So I am going to make up a new song and sing it all day tomorrow (but only in the dining room or Dad's study where Mummy can't catch me and kiss me)!!

Augustus’ Exercise Routine

It takes diligence and stick-to-itiveness to be able to maintain a physique like mine. 

For those who may be struggling with how to incorporate some much needed exercise into their daily routine, I have noted my tried and true basic moves to keep the muscles lean and the ol’ heart healthy.

Step 1 – LEGS:

Locate a great place for a nap that includes people watching views, such as a sofa, stair landing, or chair by the window (my personal favorite). Walking around to find this place really gets the blood flowing and the heart racing. Once there, rest a couple of hours before beginning the next step.

NOTE: Do not despair! This gets easier with practice because next time you will know where that spot is and be able to go straight to it. As Dad always says, the fastest route is a straight line!

Step 2 – EYES:

Observe people as they walk by. Mummy for instance, chasing The Monster around, or Nutmeg chasing Princess around. Perhaps Mummy and Nutmeg are not at your house on a given day, so you can substitute anyone who happens to swim into view. This will put a considerable strain on your eyes so be sure to rest them periodically by closing them, maintaining a sitting* position if possible.
Rest again.

*Advanced. For Beginner level (or if you are just tired), try a laying position.

Step 3 – EARS:

 Listen for loud and unusual noises, carefully swiveling your ears in different directions to capture the nuances. This will strengthen* the ear muscles, making them supple and at the ready for sudden sounds of calamity and burglars.

Now rest.

*Side benefit - This can also alert you to more important activities, such as the opening of a tuna can!

Step 4 – TUMMY:

Last but not least, always remember to concentrate on the tummy muscles. This requires eating 3 well-balanced meals of fish-and-anything-else-you-can-get-your-tummy-around, plus snacks. Among approved* snacks are the following:

Muffin tops

Peanut Butter Cookies

Tapioca Pudding

Tuna

Cupcakes

Whipped Cream

*For a complete list of approved snacks, do a pantry and refrigerator inventory (you might also check known hiding spots, where parents are famous for placing illicit goodies). As long as it is not moldy, it qualifies. Exercise this option often, and you will begin to see your waistline vastly improve [in size].
(Remember to rest afterward)

In Summary:

One can see the tremendous value of incorporating exercise into one’s daily routine. 

As always, take every opportunity to rest between steps so as not to injure yourself or cause emotional distress. Following this recommended method will ensure a tranquil existence.

Unless you have parents and siblings.

There really isn’t much you can do about that, now is there?

Interrogations

Mummy has a bizarre habit of asking the silliest questions. I am of the opinion that most situations are self-explanatory but nevertheless she persists in her inquisitions.

Here are some examples of what we kitties must tolerate each and every day of our 9 lives, along with the obvious [I think] answers:

What ARE you doing? [I am thinking, Mummy, that it should be apparent. If you are done, I will get back to shredding this plant now. ]

Why do you persist in ignoring me? [When you have something important to discuss, I will definitely listen. For example, tell me all about what we are having for dinner – that will get my attention. Better still, show me!]

Why must we always have mice floating in the water dish? [They were dirty!]

Where are all your toys? [Under the sofa…where you obviously hide them. I merely mention it…]

WHO is plucking on the carpet? [Um, not me! *scamper, scamper, scamper*]

What DO you think you are doing? [What do YOU think I am doing?]

Why do you have to have all the cabinet doors open? [I can’t see through them, you know.]

Why can’t you keep your litter in the box where it belongs? [Oh, is that where it goes?]

Who pulled the clothes out of the laundry hamper? [*crickets chirping*]

Who ate the tops off all the muffins? [mmm…Mot me! *swallow* I was just standing here, honest!]

Where did my pen go? [*THWACK* 10 points! Yaaaaayy, yaay, ya…UM..aheh…*gulp*]

WHO DID THAT? [What?]

What are trying to tell me? [Are you deaf?]

Where are you? [Not telling…]

Why did you do that? [You wouldn’t understand. Best to leave it alone.]

Are you ever going to learn? [Learn what, exactly?]

Are you sleepy? [No…*yawn*...ZZzzzz…]

I could go on but the list is endless, and I wouldn’t want to bore anyone. To be sure, Mummy is, I think, a bit out of her mind. I mean to say, who would not know all of the above without resorting to a thousand questions?
Only a parent, I s'pose.

Mummy, Kleptomaniac

My toys keep disappearing! 

Every time I go to look for a ball or a mouse, they are nowhere to be seen. Strings, Q-Tips, silvery twist ties, bottle caps, you name it – ALL GONE. I decided to get to the bottom of this after recently hearing the suspiciously familiar sound of jingling as if someone was playing with a ball. Following the noise, I entered the sitting room to find Mummy [you will hardly believe this] kneeling on the floor  in front of the Sofa.
And what do you think she was doing? 

PULLING OUT OUR TOYS!!

So that’s it! Mummy has been stealing toys and hiding them under the sofa, presumably so she can play with them when we are not looking. Before long, others of the feline persuasion were gathered ‘round to see the action unfold: Mummy kept digging and removing a mountain of dust-kitten covered bouncy ball, jingle balls, mouses, strings, ribbons, twist ties, and my beloved Q-Tips! 

Unbelievable. 

Who would have guessed that Mummy’s brain had become unhinged so that she would start snatching innocent toys from mere babies, as it were?

It appears to be a delicate position we are in, too, because she oddly accused US of putting them there. I mean to say, why would we put our own toys under the sofa? I began listlessly batting a ball around then gave it a swat that sent it shimmying across the room to bounce idly off the wall. It spun ‘round a bit then settled in a dip in the stone tile. Cats dove in and began batting things around, too. Suddenly, balls and meeces were flying! And we kitties began chasing and batting, scurrying and doing somersaults in an effort to keep up with the missiles. We made a huge circle through the dining room, the hall, and back into the sitting room, whacking and scuttling until the balls began running back…under…the sofa…

Hmmmm...How IS she doing that?

Heeellllppppp!

Hee, hee, hee, ho ho, hoooo, hee, hee, ha, ha, ha…Stop!...Help! Mummy’s tickling me!!..ho ho, hoho, heee, hee, ha, hooooo…ahuh~ *giggle*

Whoo…she stopped! I am running away! 

Into the dining room…under the table…she’s after me! No..she caught me! 

Ha, ha, ha….hee, heeeeee, ho, ho, hee, hahaha! Stop it! Heeeeelllppp, somebody, please…hee, hee…help me…ho, ho haha, ha, hee heee…STOP!....whooooo…

I am rolling over so she can’t get my tummy…she is.…leaving?? No…wait! 

Come back!

I am following her (at a safe distance, of course)…she is sitting down at her desk….

I am brushing my whiskers against her ankle….

er…Mummy? 

You can..er..tickle me again, if you want….

Musings On a Wrap

Do you know the best thing about plastic wrap? 

You can nibble your way through to the scones on the plate beneath without unwrapping them, so Mummy won’t know what has happened until it is time for tea. 

By the time she discovers the loss, you are miles away, under the bathtub.

 Great stuff, this plastic!!

Mummy, Cat Whisperer

I love Mummy! She picks me up and holds me over her shoulder then she whispers to me all about how much she loves Her Augustus and how special Gussie is. 

I can’t help it – when she starts telling me all these sweet things, I simply melt into a pile of buttery fluff! I fall back against her head and sort of roll around and crane my neck so I can see her face. 

Sometimes I pat it with my oversized violin-case feet.

Of course, my foot pretty much covers her whole eye and part of her cheek.

She’s my special girl, Mummy is!

Augustus, Cat Burglar

Hee, hee, hee…I stole Mummy’s necklace today, the one Dad gave her for Christmas! She calls it a Diamond  necklace or something like. Anyway, she was taking it off and carelessly laid it out on the dressing table in plain view. Then she walked away - er, well, she turned a bit sideways. Anyhow, it was there, I was there…

the long and short of it is, I nabbed the necklace and made off with it!

Mummy wondered for about half a second what I was so positively animated about, then as I turned to gloat before making my exit, she spotted something sparkly dangling from my teeth. She yelled, I ran! And ran, and ran…. Whoosh – I ALMOST made it to the top of the stairs. Mummy grabbed my leg through the banister and said in no uncertain terms for me to “hand it over.”

I let the treasure go and pleaded not guilty by reason of the fact that it isn’t human nature to overlook something sparkly that has been left unattended, however short a time.

I hoped that might be the end of it but I have a feeling there will be a lecture when Dad gets home.

Breakfast Freebie!

I just got a whole piece of buttery sourdough toast all to myself, and this is how it happened:

Mummy was making the usual breakfast egg, along with some yogurt and fruit. Then she slid a piece of bread into that machine with the sliding buttons and poured a cup of tea while she waited. I sat patiently at her feet, in hopes of some mere morsel (one can see that I am quite starved). 

Finally the toast sprang up, and Mummy smeared deliciously creamy butter all over it – oh, the fragrance, the delightfully sweet aroma of warmed bread and butter!

Well, Mummy must have felt sorry for me, starving as I was; she turned (carelessly tripping over me in the process, I might add) and simply flung the toast at my feet! I was in awe, and not at all in a position to complain about her careless method of delivery. Without further questions, I attacked the crispety-soft treat with relish.

I think Mummy’s mood of generosity lifted quite soon because she did not speak so kindly of that piece of toast landing on the floor, or of cats who “hover mindlessly beneath her toes” while she works, 

whatever that means. 

Never mind all that – I just want more toast from now on!

Paper Trail

You know that white stuff? The stuff that comes on rolls which Mummy hangs from that holder on the bathroom wall? She very thoughtfully folds the end into a neat triangle so that it is hanging down and super easy to pull…that is, she used to, until yesterday. Now the white stuff, which Mummy calls Tee-Pee, is located in a basket on a very high shelf 'away from marauding cats' (Mummy's words, not mine). All because a [tiny] bit of TP [allegedly] got strung randomly through the house – just one roll (1), mind you – and it sort of stuck to the edges of the stone tiles. 

Oh, but not before a smattering of it was knocked into the toilet and got lodged in the drain so that Dad had to call The Plumber (I may have accidentally pushed it further in – trying to help, you know). But geez - it was easy to fix; all the plumber had to do was turn the toilet upside down, remove the TP [and possibly a bar of soap still in its box…that someone who shall remain nameless and whose initials are Nutmeg dumped in at an earlier date] and ‘reseat’ the toilet (very nice manners these plumbers have). 

Regardless, Mummy and Dad conferred and determined that it was Cat Mischief (I never heard of him), then said it cost about 500 pounds worth of fish to fix the problem. (I personally do not think our fish ought to be brought into the matter but parents are so indiscriminate sometimes.) At any rate, we are officially banned from access to the Tee-Pee. So there it is. Now we have nothing to look forward to in our daily stint through the house.

Wait a minute…is that a BIGGER roll of white stuff standing on a silver thingy on the kitchen counter?

I say! Gotta go…

Mummy and Dad are Weird

Every day Mummy and Dad go through this crazy ritual, and I simply cannot understand it. I must first explain that they *ahem* don’t have any fur. Well, Dad has fur on his chest but otherwise, they are bald. Well, except for that patch on top of their heads (go figure). The point is, Mummy and Dad aren’t built exactly like the rest of us cats, and they have really strange habits.

Take bathing, for instance: when we kitties want to bathe, we simply whip out the attached sponge (code word “Tongue”) and, using our built-in no rinse cleaner, are fresh in no time. Mummy and Dad, on the other paw, feel compelled to stand under running water (code word Shower), lather up with all over bubbles (code word Soap, and which I think niff, personally), then stand in the water until the bubbles go away. I mean to say, if you don’t want the bubbles on you, then why put them there to begin with? And further, wouldn’t it be simpler to bathe like a normal person (me, for example) instead of dousing yourself *shiver* with water which only makes you wet and cold?

Not only do they go through this silly ritual, they do it TWICE a day AT LEAST! Dad sometimes comes in the house absolutely covered in ook from playing in the yard (Mummy calls it Yard Work but I think Dad just tells her that so she won’t suspect he enjoys playing with his big, noisy gadgets. Mummy will fall for anything, apparently). Under these conditions, he takes another ‘bath’..er, Shower. So I am intrigued and have begun stationing myself on the counter next to the Shower any time someone goes in, then I fling the curtain back and take a look inside, just to be sure what I am seeing is real. 

One day, perhaps, I will figure it out.

Until then, I plan to continue my vigil until Mummy and Dad reveal what ails them…

or at least until they give me a drink from the faucet.

Those Darlin’ Clementines

Oh, my darlin’,
Oh, my darlin',

Oh, my daaarlin’ clementines,

You were sit-ting on the table

In a pret-ty crystal bowl.

It was quiet,

No one was around,

So I snaaaatched one up and ran.

Batting it this way,

Batting it that way,

All about the kitchen floor.

I was having fun,

Having so much fun,

That I faaaailed to notice when

Mummy opened up the door and

Made her way si-lently in.

Now I’m on the run,

Fearing for my life,

As She graaaabbed the tiny sphere.

 I am hoping

To be able,

To come out before next year!

Pure Bliss

What is that saying about Ignorance? Yesterday, I recounted the regrettable actions of The Plant and my response to its impertinence. I may also have carelessly boasted that there would be no evidence linking me to the...er, Incident. Ladies and Germs, I admonish you to always, always look back. I wear a rather fluffy coat. A fluffy coat which sheds. Mummy has in her hand, at this moment, what appears to be a chunk of Augustus fur. It came, says she, from The Plant, or rather [in her terms], “what is left of it.” She called me into the dining room and pointed it out. I asked to which plant did she refer?

She said, “The flattened one.”

 “Oh, that one?”, I said. And followed up with something about how I always thought very highly of that plant.

 “Don’t pretend ignorance, Augustus. I know it was you”, she said.

“Oooh?”, I said.

Then she presented The Evidence, accompanied by a lecture so stiff it could walk on its own four legs. I am now in big trouble, banned from the dining room and threatened with Dad….

…Wait a minute…threatened with **aheh** Dad???

And I was getting worried! Heh, heh, heh…